Fiona Yek Mei Ling (22S20)
The day was Monday, 26 July 2021 – a seemingly routine morning for Fiona Yek Mei Ling, a first-year student at Jurong Pioneer Junior College. It had unfolded with the usual ritual of donning her school uniform and enjoying a typical breakfast of bread and milo at the table. But in a perplexing turn of events, what was seemingly ordinary turned out to be a bewildering experience. "Sudden memory loss; places and people. It was as if I had teleported from a different realm,” Fiona recalled, her voice carrying the weight of her fluster. "I found myself sitting on the bus not knowing why I was there or what I was doing. I was too shy to ask for help," she recounted with a vulnerability that underscored the isolation she had felt in those initial moments of confusion. Operating on autopilot, Fiona somehow made it to her homeroom. Muscle memory guided her through the somewhat familiar hallways and faces, but the whys remained elusive. "The faces in school were faces I seem to have seen before – but I didn't know who they were," she said, describing the surreal disconnect she had with her surroundings. The true magnitude of Fiona's struggle unfolded when she broke down upon seeing a familiar face of comfort and sought solace from her civics tutor, Mrs Tan Lee Peng who accompanied Fiona through the day’s proceedings as she waited for her appointment with the school counsellor and for her parents to arrive.
Fiona took a brief hospitalisation leave and underwent a battery of tests, where the absence of an organic cause further added to the enigma. Undeterred, she took this as a sign to continue with school life normally. For the naturally bright student long accustomed to a string of academic achievements and successes, educational pursuits remained of utmost importance. However, the veneer of routine simply masked the ongoing challenge – Fiona's memory was still faltering. New lapses of blank moments became a daily occurrence. Reflecting on that tumultuous period, she candidly shared, "Even though I didn’t know what was happening, I still wanted to come. It felt scary to fall behind when all I wanted was simply to do well in school." Undeterred, she pressed on courageously and even went as far as to achieve highly commendable outcomes of ‘A’s in some tests. However, amidst these apparent triumphs, Fiona grappled with a disconcerting realisation. Under the disguise of these distinctions lay false promises. "While the ‘A’s felt like sparks of hope, they were actually earned through an intense amount of studying – 5 times more of what I needed to in the past. I tricked myself into thinking that I could overcome my memory loss as long as I put in the effort. But alas, this became my downfall as I stopped listening to my body. I pushed myself too far until nothing else mattered. That was when it all came crashing down.” Plagued by restless nights and endless worries, Fiona was not sleeping nor eating well. Her usual study methods no longer worked. “I could not even remember writing a good stack of notes I had painstakingly done up just the day before. Walking into the hall for the End-of-Year promotional exams, I was dejected, wondering if this was to be the rest of my life now. I just can’t do well anymore. All my efforts from primary school felt like they have been washed down the drain.” To make matters worse, her struggles also extended to Project Work, a H1 A level subject with an oral presentation component. Even though she really wanted to get through with it, the risk of sudden disorientation had loomed like a daunting spectre. Not wanting to affect her groupmates, she ultimately decided against participating in the presentation.
Having concealed her memory loss from her friends, she also found herself in a delicate balancing act. "I was trying my best to mask it. I would assess our level of connection through their tones and dispositions to match their social energy. It felt strange to be chummy. They are my friends, yet I didn’t know them. I was guilt-ridden at the one-sidedness of the relationships.” Yet, these interactions were oddly reassuring for Fiona who had desperately clung on to any semblance of normalcy. “Funny how this brought comfort to me at a time where I couldn’t accept my memory loss. Since my friends were interacting as if nothing was wrong, I thought to myself that I must have been behaving typically and felt relieved.” Nonetheless, Fiona understood that this normalcy was simply surface deep. “Deep down, I knew it wasn’t what it had looked to be”, she acknowledged.
Amidst the social challenges and false promises of academic success, Fiona reached a decisive moment where she realised that she simply could not continue with this path.” It was also during this trying time that Fiona's father encouraged her to take a gap year. This was despite the impressive feat of successful promotion to JC2 given the circumstances. “During this month, the number of times I broke down in front of my family was more than all my life put together. The helpless and worried faces of my parents were deeply etched in my mind. I came to realise that my decisions and circumstances affected them as well”, described Fiona as she recalled the critical juncture that pushed her to decide on her gap year. “I can delay my education but not my health”, she added. Fiona expressed gratitude for the support she received from Vice-Principal, Mr Nah who expedited the process and approved a leave of absence as she waited for the doctor’s memo, “He was kind to sit down to chat with me personally to understand my struggles. I am really grateful for that.” This marked a significant shift for Fiona, as it was the very first time she prioritised her well-being.
Alas, the gap year was not a bed of roses. In the beginning days, Fiona found herself grappling with a profound sense of dissociation as she ruminated through the ‘whys’, ‘what-ifs’ and ‘if-onlys’. With her eyes closed to detach herself from the world, she thought “Why me? What if this had not happened?; If only I could turn back time to how it was before.” After all, it was not too long ago that the stellar student had achieved numerous academic awards that showed for her successes. Now, the bustling days of academic rigour had vanished to naught as nothing much occupied her time.
The turning point came when what appeared to be trivial reminders of life evolved to be strong anchors that prompted introspection and the realisation that life is indeed brimming with hope. Over the course of her secondary school days, Fiona and her parents had experienced a natural drift. Being a high-performing student, Fiona often found herself making independent choices. In addition, she occasionally opted for studying over participating in family outings. “To be honest, I had not known much about them beyond their occupations”. The gap year was like a beacon of light that illuminated tender facets of love. It became a period of rediscovery, bringing the family closer through shared meals and conversations. Her parents, recognising her struggle, went out of their way to care for her, bringing fruits to her room and ensuring she did not go hungry. “You should have seen the frequency at which they came to my room bearing food! My mum – who is the stay-at-home type – also nudged me to go out with her, using the excuse of a supermarket run. I realised then that these were their little acts of love – their way of checking in and to just be together with me through this ordeal.”
Fiona's 2-year-old niece became a radiant source of joy, lifting Fiona's spirits in heartwarming ways. Entrusted with caring for her, Fiona discovered the beauty of simple moments—playing, sharing meals, and engaging in delightful exchanges. She thought, “My niece is just a little child. I just want her to be happy enjoying her life, I should not drown myself in negative thoughts and neglect her.” Indeed, these gestures of love illuminated her awareness of others' needs and drew her out of her melancholy. Looking back, Fiona reflected, ‘Even when if you think there’s nothing you can do, there is always something. It may take effort but it could end up helping you instead. Even when all hope is lost, its simply about going on step by step.” The gap year also offered white space for Fiona to indulge in her hobby once again. Painting was an old love that she had put away, forgotten as she tunnelled in on her studies.
In a poignant work titled "The Last Day of August" (see pic below), Fiona captured the essence of her journey towards recovery. It was in that period during the gap year that she felt well enough to think about her future. The painting features her standing on a hillside with hair tousled by the wind as she looked forward, symbolising the transition from a sombre past, represented by the grey sky behind her, to a vibrant and colourful future unfolding ahead.
Fiona grew in strength. She took a leap of faith, engaging in part-time work for 2 months, waitressing and making drinks at an F&B establishment – a decision that was initially met with fierce resistance from her introverted nature as it would force her to interact with others. Having been cooped up, Fiona wanted to challenge herself to adjust to the outside world again before she was due back in school. “Work pushed me out of my shell. I was introverted and used to being in the background, but because things needed to be done, I had to step up and be confident when working with others”, reflected Fiona, who rose up the ranks to be the trainer for new part-timers after a mere month of working and having learnt a valuable lesson in professionalism and assertiveness. She also took a stab at her studies again, busying herself with revision. This time around, Fiona held on to a very different mindset even as new lapses of memory loss continued to plague her. She had now come to terms with her condition. Her parents unwavering support also reinforced the message that there exists multiple pathways of success. “I started out wanting to test myself but I still couldn’t do the questions. But its ok, academics are not everything. Instead of being completely obsessed with making a full recovery, I would rather find a way out for myself, there’s always something that fits every situation,” she exclaimed with a light in her eyes.
Returning to school, Fiona made a conscious decision to be open about her challenges. She was upfront with her classmates that she was different. The desire for normalcy had shifted to a more genuine connection, as she realised the importance of authenticity in relationships. Her classmates were understanding and supportive, not prodding with questions but instead creating an environment where she could be honest about her struggles. They adapted to her changed circumstances, repeating information without making her feel uncomfortable and became attuned to her moments of dissociation, gently bringing her back to the present with humour and understanding. It was a refreshing change which enabled Fiona to reintegrate into social situations seamlessly.
A whole college approach was also evident where teachers came together to help her in her journey, providing regular check-ins to form a supportive network in meeting both her academic and emotional needs. Ms. Vani (Lit tutor) initiated a conversation to tailor her teaching style to Fiona's needs, even exploring the use of voice recordings to support her learning while Mr Subash (Mathematics tutor) gave her a photo class list of her classmates to help with remembering her peers. “They had a sensitivity to them where they knew when to prod and when not. I remembered crying in Mr Oh’s (Physics tutor) class, reminiscing the past where I could understand concepts effortlessly. He gave me the space and only asked after me when the lesson ended. I had also asked to see Mr Wooton (GP tutor) for advice, and he just knew it wasn’t about academics even before we spoke.” His sharing on mental wellness had been enlightening for Fiona and his gift of a book on coping strategies helped to ground herself and settle into a routine. Touched beyond words, Fiona simply said, “I am very, very thankful to all my teachers for what they have done, all simply to accommodate for my situation.”
Indeed, these heartfelt interactions cemented her aspirations to become an educator to make a difference in others’ lives. Currently interning at a tuition centre during her vacation break, Fiona’s experience of teaching both one-to-one and group classes resonated deeply within her as she saw impact it can have on individuals and communities. Furthermore, Fiona engaged in a values-in-action project with Heartware Network which worked with low socioeconomic status (SES) incarcerated families, where she volunteered as a tutor. This experience with the students helped her gain a broader perspective, grounding her in the realisation that everyone faces challenges in life. It became a source of strength, reinforcing the understanding that her problems were not isolated, and it was normal to encounter difficulties.
In the tapestry of her journey, Fiona's story is one of resilience, growth, and a profound understanding of the importance of empathy and self-care. Her remarkable character of resilience and unwavering motivation stems not only from a commitment to her dreams but the adaptability to steer her course according to her circumstances. Her mantra became, "If there's something I can do, no matter how small, I'll do it,” for it is this very mindset that had propelled her forward, helping her progress step by step, even on the toughest of days.